


sometimes when I’m lonely (don’t know why)

by fire_ash_rebirth



Series: Marvel Femslash Bingo 2020 [4]
Category: Captain Marvel (2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, F/F, Make Them Gay You Goddamn Cowards, Marvel Femslash Bingo 2020, Memory Loss, Yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:55:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26999290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fire_ash_rebirth/pseuds/fire_ash_rebirth
Summary: Goodbyes were bad luck, so they made do with “come home in time for supper.”
Relationships: Carol Danvers & Maria Rambeau & Monica Rambeau, Carol Danvers & Monica Rambeau, Carol Danvers/Maria Rambeau, Maria Rambeau & Monica Rambeau
Series: Marvel Femslash Bingo 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1908532
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	sometimes when I’m lonely (don’t know why)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Marvel Femslash Bingo, for the prompt: AU Role Reversal
> 
> Title from Hope, by Langston Hughes

There are no words spoken aloud in the moment their eyes lock over the table, across the room, or between cockpits. There are no words to describe a relationship that is not to be asked after nor spoken about. Neither of them could put a finger to the moment Carol and Maria became CarolandMaria, but there might not have been one. Like the transition between a slow dance and an embrace, they came together naturally, seamlessly.

There are no words to explain to a child that she must refer to one of her mothers as “aunt”. Maria and Carol may not have the answers to all the questions Monica asks, but in one thing they are constant: Monica is loved and treasured, by both of them, forever and always. So while introductions were awkward and assumptions were made, Monica grew up confident in her love for her family, and their love for her. 

There are no words for the knowledge that every parting comes with the possibility of no reunion. There are no words to justify the need to do something you feel in your bones must be done, despite the danger. When Maria volunteered to pilot the craft in Dr. Lawson’s place, she hadn’t been able to explain why, but Carol had seen the look in her eye and understood. With jobs like theirs, the danger was inherent and had long been accepted. Goodbyes were bad luck, so they made do with “come home in time for supper.”

There are no words to be whispered in the much too early hours of the morning to a partner and child you might never see again. There are no words to describe waiting and waiting with no response. As the day progressed with no news from Maria, Carol did her best to remain calm. But as the sun set and dinner grew cold, Monica curled up in Carol’s lap, not knowing exactly what was going wrong, but worried nonetheless. 

There are no words to explain to a child that her mother is never coming home. There are no words for a grief that cannot be spoken aloud, a lost love that wasn’t supposed to exist at all. It was evening and Carol’s shirt was nearly soaked through with snot and tears, but she held Monica tightly and promised herself she’d never let go. In the morning, she would have to let Maria’s death be swept under a rug and never be given the voice to mourn. But for tonight, she held her daughter and wept.

* * *

There are no words for the ever-present feeling that something isn’t right. There are no words to describe missing something so acutely, yet not being able to remember what it is. During the day,  Maria Beau listened to the words of the Kree and trained hard, but in the evenings, the thought of their “glorious war” made her sick to her stomach as something deep inside her recoiled in disgust. She lay awake in her room, confused and frustrated, missing a phantom embrace. 

There are no words for navigating a world so alien and yet so familiar. There are no words for when the answers to your questions are out of reach, yet maddeningly close enough to brush up against grasping fingertips. Chasing the Skrulls, meeting Fury, even searching through the facility, Beau felt like she was missing something—something important that would make everything make sense. Yet she pressed on, sure in her mission, in her objective.

There are no words for someone you do not recognize, yet feels undeniably like home. There are no words to describe mourning the loss of a life you don’t remember. Beau’s world was being turned upside down and inside out; the woman and child before her felt so much like missing pieces of herself, and now she was questioning everything she ever thought she knew. Even her name, Maria, felt strange, like a well worn jacket, rediscovered after years of unuse.

There are no words for finding a home you didn’t even know you were looking for. There are no words to describe a reunion between you, your loved ones, and who you used to be. After dinner, as Maria sat on the couch between her daughter and her beloved, she knew she was where she was meant to be. And nothing, not aliens or superpowers or the vast expanse of the universe, had been able to keep them apart forever. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos are always appreciated and comments sustain me! Let me know what you think!


End file.
